47 Life Lessons
The last 36 years have given me a life with many many ups and only a few bumps in the road. It’s been a great ride so far and long may it continue. Today I want to share all those life lessons that I have collected in the past three months since I met my dear friend Jack for lunch on a rainy Friday afternoon and decided to start a list with these ideas.
Work and career
Lessons 1-10:
Let go of outdated ideas that got stuck in your head and make room for new approaches. The pandemic has taught us many things and among them is that we don’t need to spend 8 hours a day in an office to do great work. Focus on output and outcomes, rather than the 8 hour per day notion. It’s not easy to let go of it, I’m still working on that myself, but I have started to think of my work instead as bursts of productivity in working towards specific goals, tasks and deadlines and I love the rush of energy I get from this, followed by periods of time when I focus on connecting with others, doing research, etc.
Make time to think and be creative. This one follows from the previous. Starting my career a decade ago in consulting taught me many great things but also kept me in this mentality of chargeable hours and constant output. We need time to think, especially when our jobs involve coming up with ideas and being creative. Block time in your calendar where you can step away from the screen and be in a space that helps you let your mind wander. You’ll be surprised what you dream up!
Commit to fewer things but do them with enthusiasm. You don’t have to do everything. Instead, do the things you commit to with total dedication to excellence. Don’t get involved in every project and every initiative and every meeting. Choose wisely and then focus on high impact and excellent work.
Learn how to promote your own work. It’s not about boasting and grandstanding. Too many of us do the opposite. We downplay our own work and accomplishments and we apologize ALL THE TIME (please watch this video when you’re done reading…). Know your own strengths and the value you can bring to a team, an organization or a situation. Stand behind those claims with confidence. Ideally, others will support you but the only person you can count on to do this work for you is you!
Learn the basics of good design (or use good templates) so your presentations, whatever format they’re in, look polished. Yes, of course the key message should be what matters, just like the inner values of a person. But what’s the first thing others will notice? The packaging. So make sure your slides are polished, free of typos, clean and tidy, easy to read. With the abundance of templates and tools like canva there are no excuses for ugly slides.
Be a good networker. Networks only truly work when each person receives some sort of benefit. When you reach out to others for a recommendation, a job, advice, feedback, etc. always think about what you can offer them. Be a giver, not a taker. One-sided exchanges fizzle out quickly or never get off the ground in the first place. Offer others something of value and you will see your professional network grow stronger and larger with meaningful connections to like-minded people.
Build your career on your terms. You’re in charge and you have to do the work so make sure it’s what you truly want to do. Want to make it to the Forbes 30 under 30 list? Go for it! Want to build your own business? Do that. But do these things because they’re meaningful for you, not because they look good on social media or it’s what your parents expect. No one else will do the work for you, so make sure you enjoy the everyday tasks and responsibilities that come with wanting to achieve the goals. (Note: you can have a great life with hobbies, financial security and adventures even if you don’t relentlessly climb the career ladder)
Learn how to ask better questions. Many of us, unfortunately, have forgotten or never learned how to ask better questions and how to truly listen to others. This is such an important skill to have and something that can be learned. Two books I want to recommend here are: The book of beautiful questions and You’re not listening.
Switch off all desktop notifications on your work computer. Slack, Outlook, Calendar reminders, Email… In our zoom-heavy world today it just looks very irresponsible when you’re presenting to an audience and a slack notification pops up on your screen. Turn them all off and ideally turn off the sounds too. They probably distract you more than you realize and hearing someone’s slack notifications in the background (such a noticeable and obnoxious noise) just suggests that they’re not paying attention to the meeting they’re in.
Have an agenda for every meeting. Even just a couple of bullet points. Show the others that you respect their time by telling them in advance what you want to discuss.
Money and finances
Lessons 11-17:
Become money savvy and get your finances in order. If you don’t have 4 months worth of expenses (rent, food, bills, healthcare, etc.) saved up for an emergency situation, the best time to start saving is right now. I implore you to not ignore money and the importance of being smart with your finances and to start doing the following:
Create a budget with the fixed and variable expenses you have, so you can gain an overview of how much you’re spending on various line items each month. There are lots of great templates out there and it’s not as time consuming as you think. The monthly amount per expense item is fine, you don’t need to track every single purchase. Write down how much you have coming in, too.
Be very honest with yourself and set a savings target. There should be money left over between your income and expenses. You want to grow that difference as much as possible and save first. That means, knowing how much you need for rent, food, bills, etc. each month, you can set aside a specific amount for savings. This money goes into a savings account as soon as you get paid. Don’t wait until the end of the month, because there won’t be anything left.
How much you save depends on your income. I recommend aiming for a savings rate of 30-40% of your net monthly income. But the most important thing is that you start, so 5% is better than nothing.
Pay off your debt. I’m no expert as I’ve managed to avoid debt, but make sure to pay it off.
Don’t get into debt for things that are mobile. Cars, vacation, bikes, handbags, none of these things are worth going into debt for. If you can’t afford to pay something ‘mobile’ from your savings, then it’s out of your price range. Only go into debt for immobile things like property, where you can generate income and profit. (this is very simplified and is meant to just be a high level lesson, so I hope you get what I’m trying to say here :-).
Become more frugal. Look at your spending habits and identify where you can cut spending, e.g. subscriptions, eating out, alcohol, or where you can substitute to cut down costs. If traveling is important, maybe instead of staying in a hotel you can choose self-catered accommodation or even a nice hostel. Heck, even camping is great fun.
Buy the best quality you can afford. Oh, but Eva, you just told us to save money. Yes and this is one way to do it. Invest in quality items, be they clothes, tools or furniture and you’ll save on repair and replacement costs further down the track. Avoid fast fashion and don’t get hung up on trends. They don’t matter and just end up costing a lot of money. Choose more timeless pieces as your staples so you don’t end up buying new stuff every couple of months.
Delegate and throw money at the problem. This probably isn’t quite doable when you’re a student, but at some point in your life you will have the choice between spending your own time on certain tasks (cleaning, grocery shopping, washing the car) or paying someone else to do it and using your time to do things like spending time with family and friends, earning more money than you’re spending on the help, pursuing hobbies, etc. Recognize that point when it comes and decide what things are worth spending your time on and where you can delegate (and give someone a job/income!).
Become financially independent. A man is not a financial plan, so don’t fall into the trap of attaching your financial future and freedom to one single relationship. This is nothing against the relationship, it’s simply about maintaining your own financial independence regardless of marital status, number of children, etc. Poverty in old age most often affects women, because systems are not set up to reward unpaid labor in the home, caring for family and doing all sorts of voluntary jobs in the community. These are important tasks and roles that make society function and many of us will at some point or another be part of the invisible workforce that isn’t paid and is under-appreciated. Make sure that whatever agreement you come to with your family and partner, that the impact on your financial future isn’t catastrophic and that you can stand on your own two feet even when you leave a relationship, lose a loved one, or care for a parent full-time.
Reassess your needs and wants. Do you need something or do you just want to have it? Be honest with yourself.
Pay people what they’re worth. Tip service staff. Pay people for what they’re doing for you and keep in mind that the amount they charge isn’t just for the 30min job they do but the many years of experience they gained to do that job in 30min.
Health and wellbeing
Lessons 18-29:
Health is wealth. You are what you eat, so nourish your body but don’t become dogmatic about it. I’ve tried that and it really restricts your life. Give yourself some guidance and follow it as much as possible, while leaving room for special occasions.
Get outside every day. Being in nature is fuel for the soul. Find blue spaces (water) and green spaces whenever and wherever you can. A brisk walk in the morning, an evening stroll with your loved one or an afternoon tea on your plant-filled balcony… Make the time and enjoy the bliss.
Go to therapy. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong and broken. Sometimes we simply get a bit stuck, whatever that looks like, and having a person help us get unstuck can be the best thing we do for ourselves. Don’t be afraid to seek help, whether you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, eating disorders or anything else that impacts your mental health. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to a person face to face, use services like Talkspace and Ginger that make it easy to connect online with a counselor.
Visit an osteopath and walk out of their practice aligned and straightened out. It’s one of the best things I’ve consistently been doing for myself and it helps with my sedentary lifestyle that also involves a lot of exercise.
When you’re upset, be sad for a bit but don’t wallow in self-pity forever. Being bitter just poisons you and doesn’t solve anything. See point 20 above.
Tackle anxiety by speaking about it. Name the things that make you anxious, say it out loud. Getting them out of your head and out in the open takes away some of the power they have over you. Again, get professional help. Anxiety can be crippling, I’ve experienced it myself, and it’s good to have strategies for working your way through them.
Drink water first thing in the morning. Make it half a liter at least. Do this every day upon rising. It’ll make you feel better and help you regulate your system, if you know what I mean ;-).
See a podiatrist and get your feet treated before there is a problem. Too many of us delay dealing with foot problems. Our feet carry us everywhere all the time, so show them some love.
Work on your posture. Don’t slouch, walk straight, don’t shuffle. Watch some old movies for inspiration, people moved with grace and dignity.
Take pride in your appearance. What that means for you is totally up to you, so notice how much better you feel about yourself when you make that extra effort to look ‘put together’. (Note: this doesn’t require makeup, extravagant hairstyles or expensive suits; just a little effort)
Don’t eat because you’re bored, angry, sad or stressed. That’s easier said than done and I’m the first to reach for the chocolate when I’m under pressure. But food doesn’t solve the problem, it just stuffs down the emotions for a short while before they come back up. Try to deal with them, be it through therapy, meditation, journaling or other approaches.
Make sleep a priority. It’s extremely important for recovery and regeneration. Get to bed at a regular time and give yourself enough hours of rest before getting up. If you want to become a morning person, start by going to bed earlier. Don’t sacrifice sleep. Also, get a good mattress, treat yourself to a soft mattress topper if you can afford it and enjoy the hotel bed feeling. Buy good sheets. This is the place where you’re spending 6-9 hours each night, make them count.
Life skills and good habits
Lessons 30-42:
When you do something or you’re asked to do something, make an effort. Don’t just do the bare minimum of what you’re asked to do. Think further and do further. It makes a huge difference to the person you’re completing the task for and it gives you something to be proud of, no matter how little it might be. And it means there’s far less of a chance that someone will need to rework what you did. And that’s a good thing.
Create a list of gift ideas and write things down as soon as an idea pops into your head. I keep this list in an app on my phone and thanks to the year-round collection I’m never stuck for ideas when birthdays, Christmas and other occasions come around.
You’re allowed to change your mind about any and all aspects of life. That doesn’t mean you should give up as soon as something gets a bit difficult (that’s when growth happens!). Instead, I mean that when you’ve tried and tested and worked on something and it simply doesn’t work out, it impacts your life and wellbeing negatively and needs to go, then remove it. Change your mind about your job or career. Today it’s much easier to transition into a new career and make these changes. What you have invested into your career so far isn’t going to disappear, you will take many of those skills and experiences into your next adventure. If you’re in your 30s or 40s you might have a solid 30 or 40 years left during which you will work in some capacity. Make sure it’s work that’s meaningful to you.
Define your own adventures. It’s very tempting to scroll endlessly through Instagram and envy everyone’s perfect vacations, destination races and weddings and feel miserable about your own life. Screw them. Define your own adventures. For me, adventures used to involve traveling to faraway places. Now it’s going on hikes within a 60mi radius of London on the weekend, or finding a remote cottage to spend a week of our summer vacation. Or visiting a part of London I haven’t been to before, strolling down the high street and browsing through the shops. You can find wonder and excitement in pretty much anything, so don’t be so hard on yourself and enjoy what’s all around you.
Skip the gory details. When I grew up, there was no social media and the newspapers, TV news and tabloids showed very few details. Today’s news can only be described as sensationalist and explicit and there is no need to absorb all of it all the time. I don’t want to see someone being slammed into a door, shot on the streets and punched in the face. Being informed about current affairs doesn’t have to involve seeing all the details. Reading about it or listening to the stories is quite sufficient. You’ll probably sleep better not binge watching the news cycle every day.
Always be the host. Have good manners and literally be the host when you’re at a gathering. This is a good way to make a positive impression and it doesn’t actually take that much: offer people a drink, help them feel welcome, check what their preferences are, or at least be mindful of them. That means being respectful and not ridiculing their choices. People have various reasons for things like not drinking alcohol, not eating certain things or only eating certain things. Be respectful of this. Don’t get people drunk, don’t question their choice not to drink. Don’t ask them about their marital status or when they’re having babies. Never.
Learn to cook and bake. It’s an essential life skill and no child should leave home without being able to cook a few meals. You’ll eat better, more healthily, you’ll spend less money on takeout and you’ll be able to not just feed yourself but your family, friends and anyone who comes to your house. It doesn’t have to be fancy or difficult. An honest, home-cooked meal made with love and care beats takeout or a restaurant dinner any day in my opinion.
Create rituals for yourself and build habits you want to maintain. They help you navigate tricky situations with stability and reliability.
Fill your cup. Spend time with the people you love and doing things you love. I bet that will involve less screen time and more hours spent talking, creating, enjoying music, art, food and each other's company. Make time for that.
Don’t get hung up on things you can’t change. If it’s out of your control, let it go and try to remove it from your life as much as possible.
Stop worrying about likes on social media. It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things and when you’re old and coming to the end of your life, you’ll not waste a single thought on some of these things that can feel so important but are completely inconsequential. A book that can help you is Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport, one of my favorite authors.
Carry a notebook with you. A paper one. I recommend the small Moleskine notebooks. They fit into every pocket and it’s a great way to keep track of ideas and thoughts without constantly picking up your phone. Try it for a few weeks and see how you go.
Be clean and tidy. Clean your kitchen at night before going to bed, wipe down the benches and wake up to a tidy space that looks inviting. Make your bed each morning after getting up. Vacuum regularly.
Relationships
Lessons 43-47:
Stay in touch with people. Talk to them, it’s never been easier. Send them a short message, a voice message or call them. Better yet, get out pen and paper and write them a letter. And when you lose touch, don’t be too proud to reconnect. The other person will probably be grateful.
Talk. Maintaining communication in your relationships, romantic or non-romantic, is absolutely essential. Once you stop talking, things go downhill. Use tools to help you, with apps like Paired and others that ensure you work on your relationships on a regular basis.
Let go of people who take advantage of you. Even if you feel obliged like I often did. If it’s a one-sided relationship where the other person takes while you give, then you need to make a choice for yourself.
Divorce is not a sign of failure, it’s a sign that a relationship has run its course. Most couples don’t end up divorced because they just couldn’t be bothered anymore. If all attempts and trials don’t lead to something better and you’re confident you gave it your best shot, then ending the relationship might be the only option. When you realize you don’t want to wake up every day for the rest of your life next to the person you married, it’s a very painful realization but also a sign that you have to make a decision and look after yourself. Do that. And if you’re in a loving relationship, make sure to show your children (if you have children) what a positive, loving and caring relationship looks like, so they can learn all the right things and be prepared for their own future. Because this stuff doesn’t get taught in schools.
See the good in people. It’s likely that you’re surrounded by people who love you and it’s important to recognize that and show them that you love them and care for them too. Find things you appreciate about them, make them compliments, spend time with them, listen to them and be a true friend, lover, parent, son, daughter, companion. People are what matters most in life and they deserve our time, love and attention. When you give those three things to those you care about, you’ll be filled with gratitude and probably a lot of happiness.
